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| Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying; what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like to hide. I don't like to play superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator - an honest-to-God creator - of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet. Charles L. Whitfield | | |
| The year was 1989. My big brother Ben, my neighbor friend Shawn Heartman, and I sat in an uncomfortable pew at a local Vacation Bible School. It was the traditional alter call at the end of the night... where they begged and pleaded you to ask Jesus into your heart. The man up front sounded like a salesman selling the ultimate fix. He said that if you asked Jesus into your heart, he would fill the emptiness inside, that you would never be alone, that he would make you happy instead of sad. My friend Shawn Heartman went forward to get saved again. He got saved at every event I took him to. He was my "unsaved friend" that I brought to everything, so I could get a sticker for bringing a friend. I think he had uprooted enough of our neighbor's rosebushes, stolen toys from our friend Nick's house, and hit his little brother Ryan enough times since we last went to church that he thought he needed to get saved again. I sat in my pew and prayed with the Pastor even though I had prayed the prayer a dozen times.... They always said if "You really meant it in your heart" then Jesus would come in and forgive your sins. Well, as a nine year old I meant it as much as I could, but I wasn't sure if I actually meant it "enough" so I would pray each time just to make sure. I was thinking about it the other day. That man promised that if I asked Jesus in my heart, I wouldn't feel empty, or be lonely, and that I would be happy and not sad. Well, maybe I am the only one it happens to.... but I feel empty a hell of a lot of time, I get so lonely that I cry myself to sleep some nights, and happiness seems to be an emotion that often alludes me. Does that mean that it didn't "take" when I "asked Jesus into my heart?" Does it mean that I am damned to hell because I am not really a Christian? Or are people selling something that isn't really what Jesus offered? People talk about having a "God shaped hole" inside of them... that God fills this hole. I don't know about you, but if God fills that hole ...I have got a size "small" God and I am have an XXL hole. So many times I experience the ache that God doesn't fill the enormous hole inside of me. When I look at God's story I don't find anywhere Jesus saying that he is going to fill some hole inside of us. He doesn't as us to accept him. He doesn't offer to be an upper for us. Take some Jesus and you will be lifted out of your depression, you will never again be alone, you will always have an abiding sense of peace. I have met people that claim that they have all these things all the time. They always have a deep sense of peace, they aren't lonely, and they never struggle with the three D's that plague my life. Doubt, Discouragement, and Depression. Most of the people that I have met that claim they live on this etherial cloud, either have no idea what following Jesus really means, they lie, or they are in severe denial. So does Jesus deliver? No, I don't think He does. I don't think he delivers what people have been saying that he offers. I think he offers a whole different way of living and thinking. I think it would be trite for me to just write a new list instead of the things that he does offer... Jesus never tried to get people to accept him. He offered life and then he left the earth. | | |
| So I haven't posted in a while... school has been crazy... life has been crazier. Sometimes I wish I could just pause life... get organized and sort through my thoughts... and then unpause it and go on. So recently I have seen some things that made me think. -I was in Panera the other day and a homeless man walked in wearing just socks. He clearly didn't fit and was out of place. A man didn't hesitate... he stood up from eating lunch with his family and put his arm around the man and asked him if he was hungry. He went and bought the guy lunch and got him situated at a table. I almost cried... that is how Jesus would have responded. I got such a picture of love and compassion that I have never seen in a sermon... this man by his simple act of kindness preached more to me than any sermon I have heard on compassion. -My nephew busted his lip and had to get stitches this last week. They had to strap him onto a board with a straight jacket to stitch him up... He kept randomly yelling "NO... OUT... NOW!!!" He is only 3... he didn't understand that if he didn't get his lip stitched up by a plastic surgeon then he would permananently deformed... He just wanted them stop the pain. How often am I like that? God is working on me and I scream "NO... OUT... NOW!!!" I want relief immediately... I don't see the big picture. I just want relief now. I am so glad that God is committed to my wholeness and healing and not my immediate relief. -I just read two books by Anne Lamott. She is my new favorite author this month. She loves Jesus... she uses the F-word. My kinda girl. -I am learning that life is much more about hugging people and being still... than it is about checking boxes and being perfect. I used to try and be perfect and try to do everything right, with excellence, and integrity... I have given up on that. I try and be authentic and to love people. Some people may throw rocks and point out that I am missing the mark... I think I am finding what it means to follow Jesus. -I recently sent a fiery email to a Pastor after he plaguraized a sermon. I told him what I thought about it. He read my email to him, and his response, and my response, and his response out loud at church the next week. He did a whole sermon on failure and how we should respond to it. I learned an important lesson. Make sure every email you right... you are willing to have the whole world know about... because once you hit send it is permentant... you can't take it back... you don't get a "do-over." We wise friends... be wise. -I have always said that as long as you "do your best"...then you can feel good about what you have done... and that doing your best is what determines sucess. I am learning that sometimes just showing up, just trying at all, just living through the day... that is what is sucess. I am learning to celebrate the little things, and to redefine what sucess is. I think we live obsessed with being successful... I think I would prefer to be loving and to be real than to be successful. It is a shift in my thinking... but I think it is a good shift... I feel more free and more alive to just live and to quit having to be obsessed with perfection and sucess. -Sometimes I think that we try to find the "right words" to encourage people with... sometimes I feel more encouraged that somebody risks saying anything at all... even if it is awkward or not perfect... they care enough to try and be encouraging. -The AA saying says "One day at a time." I don't know about you... but sometimes a whole day is overwhelming to me. Some days I am living 15 minutes at a time. I don't have faith, or strength, or courage enough for the whole day... but I can take it 5 minutes at a time. -I was talking to a friend and we were talking about things that we struggle with... and how sometimes it is so hard and it seems that there is no progess in some areas that tend to just own us. She said that maybe one day you make 30 wrong decisions... and the next day you make 29 wrong decisions... Let's celebrate the growth!!! Instead of focussing on the 29 times we did the wrong thing... let's celebrate the forward motion! The more I focus on the progress the more right decisions I see myself make. -Recently music has been a huge comfort to me. "Music speaks what cannot be expressed. Soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul." -I started going to a ministry called Celebrate Recovery. It is for being sturggling with life's "hurts, habits, and hang-ups." I have been so encouraged to here real people who really love the Lord being honest about their struggles. Whever someone gets up to speak, give an announcement, lead us in a prayer... They give their name and say that they are a greatful believer in Jesus Christ that is in recovery from...and then they list their struggle/s. I love it. I think most Christians walk around introducing themselves as "Hi, my name is Christy and I am believer that has it all under control." We all struggle... we all have sins that plague us... we all have hurts... and bad habits... and ways that we self-protect and cope poorly. But we worry that if people knew our "stuff" they wouldn't love us or accept us. It has been so refreshing for me to be a part of a community of people that is admitting their struggles and loving each unconditionally in the midst of it. How refreshing to finally put down the "I am a Christian and I have my act together" mask. Anyway, I hadn't posted in a while so I thought I would give you a couple thoughts from my head. I know it is nothing deep... but I am slowly learning how to live in Grace... like an awkward child learning to walk. I teeter alot... often fall on my face... and need a lot of people cheering for me... but I am learning to live in Grace. | | |
| Stupid Christian Bumper Stickers Have you ever been talking to someone and they said something and you had NO IDEA how to respond? You had never experienced what they had experienced… had never felt how they were feeling… their problem or their situation was one that you had no clue how to fix or give advice too… and in that moment when you had no idea what to say… you said something anyway! We have all done it at one time or another. We don't know what to say… but we say something anyway. Things like: Ø Just remember, God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Ø All things work together for good. Ø I'll pray for you. Ø What do you think God is trying to teach you through this? Ø Maybe God is letting you go through this so you can help people one day. Ø God must think you are really strong to think you can handle this much. Ø Don't worry, just pray about it. Ø I betcha there is probably someone in the world who knows how you feel. Ø I don't know what to say… cuz I am not a professional but I think professional counseling would help. Ø Just remember that Jesus loves you. All of these things have been said to me within the last 6 months. I am sure that you have said many of these things before… and had many of these things said to you. These words while good intentioned can be like pouring acid in an open wound. When someone bears their soul to you… you have the opportunity in that moment to bring life to them or to crush them. When we say the "Christian bumper sticker statement" I think that can crush people. We don't mean to… but that's what happens. They are looking for some love, some compassion, for a real person to know their pain… and since we feel awkward or insecure about not knowing what to say we say something trite or cliché. I would like to propose a better way to how we can respond… When you don't know what to say here are some options. v Say nothing. Just listen. If you shut-up they will probably keep talking… which is what they need, someone to listen. v Tell them that you care about them. v Hug them. v Pause… and just tell them how sorry you are that they are hurting. v Grab their hand and squeeze it. v Tell them that you don't have the answer, but that you are committed to the friendship and that you are going to walk with them through it. Just let them be hurting and broken and jacked up… and tell them that you accept them and love them right where they are at. That kind of response doesn't seem all that deep or spiritual… but I want you to think about that next time you get ready to pour on a trite statement. Pause for a second… and try a different way. Try just hugging somebody… or telling them that you care about them and that you are so honored that they trust you. Try that… and let's put an end to the bumper stickers. Seriously friends… lets all decide to quit saying stupid stuff to hurting people. | | |
| A few random thoughts... Just because someone say "Biblically...." before they say something doesn't mean that it really is biblical. If someone says that, you should always be able to ask them either where it is found in the Bible or what principle in the Bible they are basing their conclusion on. It is a really bad practice to quote a verse from the middle of a paragraph and not pay attention to any of the verses that are around it. How would you like it if someone just took a line from an email that you wrote and quoted it outside of the context of what you were talking about? Theology should be done in community. There are very few things that are worth throwing down about. There are good people one polar opposite sides of many theological debates. Mystery and ambiguity are totally acceptable in theology. There are many things that are unreconciled in Scripture. I am finding that I am embracing the mystery instead of trying to fit God and the way He works into the box of my intellect. Martin Luther did a lot of shady stuff that nobody ever talks about. I guess history has a way of selectively remebering... I hope people selectively remember me like that... celebrate my victories and let me failures and rough edges die with me. Christians (me) affirm a lot more than they (I) obey. How many times do you walk away from a sermon or a time in Scripture and actually apply what you read or heard? (This idea makes me so distressed. God forbid that I just hear more and more sermons, read more and more books, and read more and more scripture and don't apply it.) Seminary students are just like normal people they just read more books. They still have all the issues and fears as the rest of the population. Church services are often really boring. It seems really unspiritual to say that you are bored at church... but probably 95% all church services I have been at I have been bored. I am selfish most of time... the rest of the time I am proud... (proud that I am for once not being selfish.) I am a wretch. Grace... if you really get it, can change your life. If someone's cell phone rings in class, chapel, or church. I think everyone should point to them and make the Loser sign on their forhead. If this became the "normal" response to when someone's phone rang at a ridiculous time I think people might remember to turn their phones off. I am learning to hold loosely to the my dreams, my friends, my tightly held beliefs... and hold tightly to Jesus and the Hope that we have in Him. Fear is like a poison that you have to drink to get rid of it. Fear grows by running from it... you find freedom in facing it and pusing through it. Love is what it is all about. Not the Hokey pokey. | | |
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